Opiate, pg. 2

Jesus gets up early for church. Go without me, I say from bed. Bill Beutel and a film crew arrive at 10 a.m. I stand on my front stoop and describe the miracle. How do we know it's really Jesus? Bill says all of his viewers want to know. I describe the helicopter sounds and Bill nods gravely. Jesus buzzes in after church and turns on the television. We watch Bill's interview of me on the 6 o'clock news. Jesus laughs because I forgot to comb my hair. "At least you remembered your pink undies," he remarks. Mayor Giuliani promises to keep the streets "Jesus free" and posts twenty-six policeman outside my apartment building.

*Saturday*	Jesus and I attend aerobics class at the local YMCA. Jesus bags it after ten minutes and goes out for a smoke. Later, I call Channel 7 News. Bill Beutel takes my statement. We have to pray more and dedicate ourselves to God, I say. And we should all wear brightly colored underwear. Nothing else. It's the real thing, Bill declares. Jesus flies around the room making helicopter sounds with his mouth.
*Sunday*	Jesus gets up early for church. Go without me, I say from bed. Bill Beutel and a film crew arrive at 10 a.m. I stand on my front stoop and describe the miracle. How do we know it's really Jesus? Bill says all of his viewers want to know. I describe the helicopter sounds and Bill nods gravely. Jesus buzzes in after church and turns on the television. We watch Bill's interview of me on the 6 o'clock news. Jesus laughs because I forgot to comb my hair. "At least you remembered your pink undies," he remarks. Mayor Giuliani promises to keep the streets "Jesus free" and posts twenty-six policeman outside my apartment building.
*Monday*	A large crowd of religious zealots assemble outside my apartment. When I exit to begin hunting for a new job, the people cheer and three 14 year old girls pass out. I deliver my sermon. A young man points to a puffy cloud above and yells, "It's Jesus!" Jesus looks up and is more puzzled than anyone. "That doesn't look anything like me," he says. The Mayor schedules a parade for Jesus and me. No one wants the gays, particularly Jesus, but I say, "what the hell," and the city council reluctantly caves in.