Rhiannon Monks

I AM AN OLD WELSH WITCH: A FOUND SOCIAL MEDIA ESSAY


I have no idea what I'm doing.

Is this growing up? I don't like it. Sometimes I feel like a Sim who is being controlled by someone who doesn't actually know how to play The Sims. I can give sound, logical explanations for about 7 decisions I've ever made. Will I ever outgrow afternoon naps? My heart aches for high school snow days. I've decided I'm done with everything that isn't Harry Potter and Easy Mac. Some girls eat their feelings. Some girls drink their feelings. I am both of these girls. It's 5, I'm getting drunk.

Being a person is hard.

I would like to say that the customer is not always right, especially when the customer orders a diet chocolate Mountain Dew. I feel like I make way more money as a server than I will with a shitty Bachelor's degree in psych. No it's fine, I'll tip myself. I'm never angrier than when someone shakes their ice at me. I miss camp today; I'm already excited for this summer. I have never felt more myself than when I was at camp. I just want to go back to Wyandot and pretend my bills don't exist, have someone cook three meals a day for me, and only be responsible for the fun of many small children. I definitely had a lot of fun and learned a lot about myself spending the last seven weeks being a counselor at Camp Wyandot. I couldn't be happier that I made the spontaneous decision to take a break from serving Big Boys and surround myself with nature, children, and a wonderful group of counselors.

Oh no, the people at Chipotle actually memorized my order.

I worked ten hours straight and my legs are spasming but you are incorrect if you think I won't stand in line for twenty minutes at Chipotle. I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the past month. "Those aren't stretch marks, they're cool lightning tattoos," says my sister. Sometimes dieting feels too much like choosing between happiness and thinness. Croutons make my brain shake. Turns out I can't cook, Wings Over it is.

This is what giving up looks like.

Being up this early is for high schoolers and peasants. Everything that was cool when I was in high school is no longer cool, and I feel irrelevant but also dignified, ya know? "Although some A-grades are generally given out, it is rare that a grade of A is achieved." Challenge accepted, Dr. Sarver. This is the first semester I've actually felt challenged and stimulated and I love it. My professor posted a worksheet titled "potato—our desire for control" and I don't know if that's actually hilarious or if I'm just tired. College is awesome, Athens is awesome, but I need a nap. Forest Gump is on, do I want to be productive and do things today or lie on the ground and cry for a while? I didn't go to any of my classes today but I did rewatch all of Orange Is The New Black season 1 with @njairhart94. I haven't done any of my homework but I have taught myself to play about 50 new songs on the ukulele. I'm gonna leave school and join a Harry Potter cult.

Last night I had a dream that I had to have a talk with Lord Voldemort about gender fluidity.

Just had a conversation with someone who explained to me that feminism hinders the "natural order" of the world. Nothing like a big heap of misogynistic ignorance to fuel my day. I'm fueling a rage fire big enough to burn up the whole damn patriarchy. Can I just say that equality is not a "personal issue?" The people concerned for the equality of the LGBT community should not only be members of the LGBT community. In the words of Piper Chapman, "I like hot girls. And I like hot boys. I like hot people. What can I say? I'm shallow." Judge me not on my gender or orientation, but on my obsession with old school Fall Out Boy.

Seriously guys, please love yourself. I promise you there is at least one person who loves you.

I am so thankful for the strong women in my family; I am so grateful and proud of the women my sisters are becoming. My sisters are so strong and motivated and talented, my heart swells with pride whenever I think about them. If you are forty years old and turn around to stare at my ten year old sister, I will actually kill you. I am thankful for my grandparents who are unwaveringly supportive of me and my cousin who has been my best friend since she was born. It's been a hell of a year, but my aunt and mother are endlessly working to be independent and role models for their children. My life is so full of love and I could not be more grateful.

This is beautiful.

I am an old Welsh witch. Spell my name with an "E" one more fucking time.

Rhiannon Monks is currently completing her third year at Ohio University and anticipates graduation in 2016 with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. A native Ohioan, Rhiannon spends her free time daydreaming about the places she will travel after she has escaped crippling debt. This is Rhiannon's first literary publication