Rick Lupert
V2:E6 June 2000
HOW TO KISS
I
Locate someone other than yourself.
Make sure they have lips.
II
Find out if the person you've located is agreeable to kissing.
You can do this any way you want, except for asking.
III
Make sure you have your lips with you.
Nothing is more embarrassing than moving to kiss someone
and realizing you've left your lips at home or in the car.
Unless you happen to be in the car,
where you can slyly move to adjust the radio,
slapping on your lips during the confusion.
IV
Tell the person their eyes make you want to do gymnastics,
or at least be present where gymnastics are being done.
V
Touch the hand.
Any Hand.
Not your own hand.
VI
Lean your head forward at a slight angle (such as fifteen degrees)
so your foreheads will connect first
as if you're attempting a Vulcan mind meld.
If your minds actually begin to meld MILK IT.
VII
Slowly re-angle your head so your lips become parallel with his or hers.
Practice this ahead of time using a protractor.
VIII
Allow your lips to make contact with the other lips
BUT DON'T MOVE THEM.
Remain completely still for twenty-eight minutes
or until you hear an electronic beeping
indicating it is time to move to step nine.
This time may vary depending on political climate
and lip gloss.
IX
Repeat steps five through eight.
X
Clear your head
so the only thing you can focus on
is a PBS special on the clitoris.
XI
Begin moving your lips in a slow up and down fashion,
varying with left and right motions every fifteen seconds.
XII
Force your tongue through your subject's lips and teeth.
Fight past their tongue.
Charge forward until you reach the uvula.
Kissing is just an intimate game of Capture the Uvula.
XIII
Abandon all tenderness
with reckless nibbling
of anything fleshy you encounter.
XIV
Congratulations!
You are now kissing.
XV
Imagine life as a Frenchman.
First Published in: Chiron Review
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